I have learned over the last few months that the line between “seeking employment” and “being a card-carrying stalker” is very fine – so fine as to not even be worth distinguishing. So fine as to run the risk of invisibility.
For instance, one should probably never end an interview with “I will be stalking you for the next few weeks to see who else you’re recruiting for this position and follow through with my next plan of attack to secure this job for myself.” However honestly that statement might relay the reality of the job hunt, employers like to hear about “persistence,” rather than “stalking.” And any good hunter knows that the game must be played with duplicitous cunning.
There is the initial stage of application, during which you submit hundreds of CVs to everything that pops up in the Google results for any job you have ever thought about and any company you have ever dreamed of working for. You are fresh, willing to do anything and try everywhere.
With your freshness comes a great deal of naïve hope. Or maybe delusion.
Even though you know it’s crazy, you still hold out hope that submitting this one CV or writing that one email will get you that job offer. The job might not have been posted yet, or maybe the perfect slot hadn’t even been created, but they will be convinced they need you after seeing your resume and the titles of your thoughtful and insightful presentations listed on your CV.
Recognizing the stalker can be difficult. Many initially appear charming, though others seem awkward and socially inept.
You’re trying so hard. You check your email at least six times a day, and Facebook three times as much. Not that job inquiry responses will be on your Facebook wall or in your inbox. But you can’t help but hope that an old acquaintance will have known you were looking for the perfect job, and will tell you that their sister works in that field and they would definitely vouch for you.
Besides, you need to feel valued during such an unstable time, and seeing your pile of red notifications alerting you that someone has noticed your new status is entirely intoxicating. It’ll only be a matter of time now before they see your new glam pics and the right people come knocking.
In high school they told me that I should print my resume on the whitest paper possible so that it would stand out in the middle of a mountain-high stack of resumes like a beam of white light. But that doesn’t work so well when you’re emailing your resume or submitting it online. So I’ve been trying a few digital-age alternatives:
TIP 1: You can adjust the brightness of your computer screen. Yes? Find the button and turn it up, as bright as possible. Like so bright that your retinas are seared. Now when you save your resume, and send your resume, it will be as bright as possible. It will shine like a beacon of light in their inbox.
TIP 2: Make your subject line count. You know those spam emails that trick you into reading them since they pretend that they’re responding to your email? Like the one I just received from Jennifer Johnson today with the subject line: “Does this make you mad too?” I, of course, had to open it to see what she was talking about, even though I could think of no Jennifer Johnson I knew. Why not utilize this same technique in your hunt for a job? Try this one: Re: congratulations. It’s simple, elusive, but creates enough interest that they’ll have to open the email to see what it’s about. Or how about this one: Re: your raise. Again, just try and peak their interest. Think Facebook notifications. Everyone loves personal messages.
Stalking is relatively straightforward, and may include the following: loitering, approaching the target repeatedly, and repeated telephone calls, faxing, or emailing.
Send off your final resume to the last place you can think of. You can now preemptively move on to the worry stage. Oh sure, we all know that any number of people would probably sufficiently fill the position, or would perhaps be a better, more qualified fit than you. After all, not only are you completely unqualified for the position, but you have chronic lower back aches which prevent you from sitting in your chair at work. You have been prone to bladder infections in the past, resulting in a weak bladder that must be emptied every thirty minutes, resulting in your inability to log normal working hours. Your last employers at Cheapo Depot didn’t notice, but you may not be so lucky in the future.
Anyway, relax. This is where your cover letter comes in. Here is your chance to elaborate about yourself, to provide the employer with more information than they have gathered from your resume. Like the fact that you are more desperate for work than your resume may have led them to believe.
Take your time. Phrasing like: “It is my hope that you will look towards my attached resume…” or “I have worked in seemingly divergent fields…” takes a long time to craft. Don’t be surprised when five minutes have gone by and you are still struggling with your salutation. I can only speak for myself, but I’m sure this is normal.
So now weeks have passed and you’ve been sitting alone in your apartment, talking on the phone with your mom. Although a doctor has never diagnosed you, your independent research on trusted sites such as diagnoseyourself.com has confirmed that you suffer from mild to severe chronic depression. In fact, you have checked yes to most symptoms: anxiety, indecision, sleeping more than usual, sleeping less than usual, feeling down, difficulty concentrating, feelings of guilt, weight gain, weight loss, headaches, an increase in alcohol intake, and even stomach pain. You’ve rationalized: these symptoms are just a result of your time of uncertainty, the fact that you can no longer sustain your gym membership fees, or that you have been attending a lot of wine tasting events in the hopes of making some good contacts.
You try to stay positive and remind yourself that you are simply “between contracts” or “exploring alternative pedagogies.” It’s not like you’re without options. There is always the possibility of going back to school. You could study anything. Anything except math and science (you’ve never really excelled at those) and the social sciences (they just don’t take into account the holistic vision of the person that you have acculturated).
On the bright side, you have a very supportive network. Friends have been very kind, even though they have not been told the full story. You’re not actually taking time off to “meditate.” It’s called unemployment.
After another session on the phone with your mother, you receive a burst of enough enthusiasm and confidence to follow up on the resumes you have been submitting. This is where the “fine line” between stalking and job hunting is obliterated. Here is an example:
Attn: M—— F—
536 B——- 10th Floor
New York, NY 10012
Hi,
I applied for the web video position a number of weeks ago and I just wanted to check that you had received my application.
I love your publication and I am currently looking for work.
If the position I applied for has already been filled, I am wondering if there would be any possibility of working for free for you, or volunteering with your publication.
If so, I would be interested.
I am looking to gain some hands-on experience if I could.
If you would be willing to let me work for you as a free intern, I am in the city now and would like to stop in to meet you in person. I am free anytime.
Please get back to me if you’ve either received my application or if a meeting in person could be arranged.
Let me know. I am free anytime as I mentioned. If I don’t hear back from you within the week I’ll be in touch via email, phone, or in person.
Thank you,
Me
